….I have nothing to say.
Some things shine, some things burn and some just fade away. The paths we choose, the lines we use day after fucking day.
No longer the masterful, just a shadow of the brave. Nothing more than a passing storm, riding out the wave.
We plant the seeds of all our dreams, but then we drown them.
He says I smell like an angel and that my eyes are the bluest of oceans. How my lips curve so sensually when I smile.
He says such beautiful things, but I feel nothing from his words. No spark when he brushes against me, no desire to shape his heart.
He says he thinks of me in the middle of the night and how my face would grace his pillowcase, but I dont dream of him.
I want the butterflies in my heart, I want the walk in the woods. I don’t feel these desires at all. I’m not sure if ever could.
He says I need time to heal and he’s there to ease the pain. I have no use for a bandage, I need to feel alive again.
He says such beautiful things, but he’s not you.
Cold metal on my fingertips the buckle in my hand, soft leather slides so easily your wish is my command.
I want to pin you down and make you mine with every word I say. I bite my lip at the thought of you a thousand times a day.
The past year has made me change direction and more than once. As things turned out its instability was not of my doing. You can’t alter the make up of people and rightly so. People go through life doing what they’ve possibly always done. Change only comes to those who want to change.
It’s made me dissect myself. I laid fault at my feet for some time. It was wrongly placed, but it’s taken me a while to understand that.
I missed a few chances due to the time spent living a lie, but thankfully some of those chances didn’t lose faith in me and my heart is still set on what I need from the coming years.
Solitude in a green expanse close to the ocean. I don’t want to be boxed in any longer. So my new job will allow me to make plans and save for what I need. Two years should do it.
Making plans is one thing I’ve learnt over the past year, going it alone another lesson.
Not sure how to start, but I woke up with these thoughts. Probably helped by the thought provoking conversations I’ve had over the past couple of days.
The world we’ve got is the one we’ve been heading towards for so many years and we’re all at fault. We scream when it’s too late, we protest from our sofas whilst browsing Amazon. I wonder was the world ever this full of bullshit before now?
We change our minds so often. We treat those we claim to love like deleteable commodities.
Nothing is real to some people. Instant access and instant denial.
We wipe people from our lives at the click of a button and still expect respect.
Brexit, Trump, UKIP…. yeah, we didn’t see those coming. Why? Because we chose not to look.
We want nothing that lasts because we are constantly distracted and happy in the oblivious wave of ignorance. No thought process whatsoever….see, want, take, destroy. Be it human or land or animal our aim is “me me me” instant gratification.
Our existence has become a “show and tell”
Keeping the tempest under wraps, keep those feelings in the dark. Never mention what I’m thinking. All intensity and spark.
Awaiting permission to let this loose, set the passion free and escape the noose. Invisible restraints.
How much life remains in love when it’s forced into hiding. Am I destined to burn the flame forever abiding.
If I waited. In silence. Without question. Without knowledge of what’s past….without seeing ahead. Would I still fall?
Nothing changes even though everything has. My eyes still focus on the obvious beauty. It teaches me nothing.
I’m not in limbo. I’m not lost. I’m aware of everything. I remember you evocatively.
Even when the wind howls on these last days of winter you can feel the change. The sea was magnificent this afternoon, masterful and graceful in equal measure. White horses in the swollen tide.
My working week is done. New role that I wasn’t sure about….it’s been a great first week. I’m completely exhausted, but it’s been fun too.
Now I feel like writing.