It’s a harsh world, but I’m thankful for the glimmers of light that keep my heart beating. For the fact that I’m still capable of thinking out loud, allowing my imagination to go unhindered.
Like losing myself in the collar on your t shirt. My focus so fixed so complicated yet so simple. Should I try to calm this tempest? Do I want to?
Should I not notice how the material sits against your skin? Should I not envy those threads so close to you?
When thoughts of just brushing against you cause such a beautiful flow of energy. Every fibre left wanting. This is not a craving. It’s a fucking revelation.
I’m not starving because you’re always inside of me. I’m not drowning in you I’m wading waist deep and deeper still.
Your gaze so deeply penetrating. Like the August sunshine burning my skin.
Meet me there. The woods beside the river. Just the moon to light your path. I’ll whisper my thoughts and place my hand on your heart. Pulling you in with every word.
You’re nowhere near me, but I feel you. Like satisfaction that leads to wanting more. Hunger pains more thrilling than any chase.
Sleep didn’t come easy last night. A head full of thoughts and visions blocked that path so beautifully. Today I’ve kept them with me.
I love losing time this way. Enchanted and spellbound by just a few words. My imagination is a kingdom and you are its ruler.
You breathe life into emptiness. Doors once rusted shut open with the slightest touch. You bring in abundance forgotten pleasures.
Do you know what I’m thinking as my fingertips touch my mouth? This isn’t a movement to hush or calm this storm. This is an invitation into my desires.
Can you read my mind?
So looking forward to a relaxing day tomorrow. I’ve been wide awake since 3 this morning. One of the downsides of working in care is that it’s constant. Bank holidays do not exist. Still could be worse, I could be stuck in an office staring at a screen all day. Static doesn’t work for me I’m only fit because I’m constantly on the go. I’d be a lard arse otherwise.
Happy with my lot I guess.
Sipping a strong cup of coffee (has to be a cup. I don’t like mugs of anything) I’ve bought some rose petals and I’m planning the longest of soaks this evening. Luxuries I can live with out, but the simple things remain the most beautiful.
That’s my day so far. No ranting to be had here. Maybe later, but I doubt it very much.
long day at work today and I’m never quite sure how much to talk about work. I’m not allowed to discuss certain things and that’s understandable. The residents are all vulnerable so their privacy is paramount.
We celebrate every occasion at work. I’m not really one for traditions, but seeing the residents laugh and dance is a wonderful thing.
Today we wore rabbit ears and handed out Easter eggs. My manager really does pull out all the stops on these days to remember. He dressed like Peter Rabbit.
So although it’s been a long and tiring day…it’s also been such a pleasure. I hope that when I’m old and in need of care that I’m also given the opportunity to celebrate life. Care isn’t just the obvious.
Blissful day. Just bloody blissful! I was up and out before the sun rose. I watched from the hill as it lit up the morning.
I’ve not really been in a talkative mood of late (not sure why) but spending time with people I love was much needed. So we met at sunrise and spent the day together.
I adore days like these. Where happiness just is. Without the need to force it. When being content comes naturally. I’ve spent nothing. I’ve wanted for nothing.
The first magnolia flower burst open today. I didn’t expect it to flower this year as I planted it quite late last summer.
The world is so noisy at the moment. Everyone’s fighting for attention of one kind or another. The more I see the less I understand it.
I believe utopia exists, but I believe that we create it. It’s not a promised land or somewhere when only see when life ends.
Hell is a creation of man. It’s not a place where bad people go, it’s not even a place. If you convince enough people to follow a path you have the ability to do good….or bad. Free thinking is a lesson not taught to children because it’s easier to convince on mass that one rule is the right rule.
There’s a fair amount of Trump rhetoric in my Twitter timeline this morning. A fine example of what happens when one very angry person shouts venom to a captive audience.
Children are being persuaded by adults which political party is the best. Infants being force fed ideas they can’t even begin to understand. It’s insane behaviour. Pinning a rosette on a child like they are an extension of your ideas. They aren’t!
I’ve started to create these pictures using photographs I’ve taken in the past. Most are just single object some are scenery. This first one was a plume of smoke from a cigarette. Manipulated and then mirrored. Really pleased with how this one turned out. It took around 4 hours. Like the insect on the nose and what looks like a deer just between the eyes.
This next one was a photo of a candle holder. This took a bit longer to get the shimmering effect. Green’s my favourite colour
The next looked a bit alien planet. I’m really happy with the light behind this one.
The next was another smoke plume but it’s now a work in progress
I’ll fiddle with it this evening.
Robot rabbit?
This is cropped from another creation. I like the softness.
This is the one I cropped the previous picture from. Not keen on the upper left corner. Straight angles don’t sit well amongst the softness.
This is the next one I’m going to mess with. All I’ll add is light spots. The rest is manipulation…. Too much mass to make anything really interesting, but these are pretty cool
Next one has a title! Spring. As a welcome to the coming season.
This used to be a lighthouse. Which is probably why it turned out so pretty.
“Out of this wood do not desire to go”
Collisions
Airtight
Softest touch. Some people reach you…barely. Few swim in your depths.
“You’re only a rebel from the waist downwards,’ he told her” Untitled.
Last night I dreamt of you. You came to me with such ravenous ferocity. I ache so deeply now.
I want to collide with you. I want to witness that implosion. I feel that pull you have. Like the moon on the ocean.
I could look at you until the earth turns dark. You’d keep me breathing, you’d be that spark.
Place your fingers on my pulse and breathe against my skin. Don’t stop if my heart does, I’m still drinking you in.
In April 2007 I saw 36 Crazyfists live for the first time. I’d engaged with music before this, but never had I breathed it in. I bought ‘Rest Inside the Flames’ in 2006 as a random buy “it blew me away” doesn’t come close. It chewed me up and continues to do so.
The cover depicts exactly what this album does to me. I’m not sure they are aware of just how powerful that picture really is.
Initially it was Brock Lindow’s vocals that I fell deeply in love with. Hook, line and sinker.
The road above is the background of the album cover. Such emptiness without the heart.
First track on the album ‘I’ll Go Until My Heart Stops’ Is the first song of theirs that I heard live. I have never, will never experience that feeling again. So hard to explain, but I felt alive a bit like Frankenstein’s monster when the lighting bolt finally hits the conductor “It’s Alive!!”
Bearing in mind I’ve lived through some apparently legendary musical history and as William Shakespeare wrote (much misused by so many) “what’s past is prologue” This is how I feel about music leading to this moment in my life. Which in itself is extraordinary and a massive show of respect to these four men from Alaska.
I’ll admit to growling a little at that photo. Yep I’m still alive!!
2007 was also my first experience in a mosh pit. Not your indie mosh. This was full on brutal, pushing and shoving. I was downed a few times, but (and here’s the thing) 36 Crazyfists fans are a special breed. Within seconds of hitting the floor I was back on my feet. Aided by so many helping hands. Fucking beautiful people!! Loyalty and Love isn’t reserved for the few here.
Just got a tad emotional then.
I think it was April 24 2007 at The Concorde in Brighton. The best gig of my life. It will always have an extremely special place in my heart.
I met Brock and Mick that night. Alaska breeds such warmth (Palin aside) but these men are beautiful men. They give good hugs. Not to mention total respect that people come out to see them play.
WARNING: I’ve only just begun here!
So, it’s the morning after. I’d had quite a bit to drink, but I’m still buzzing with this new and beautiful energy and 36 Crazyfists become an incredibly important part of my life. That week I bought their back catalogue….admittedly they aren’t prolific when it comes to albums, but the first album wasn’t easy to find. After a few months I’d bought everything they’d produced.
I’m a huge fan of lyrics. Can’t love something that’s thrown together me.
I did the whole follow them on MySpace which is the reason I still have such wonderful memories of the first ‘social network’ Brock introduced me to some truly wonderful music “Brand New” “Dallas Green” “Underoath” “Alexisonfire” to name a few.
Next came the tattoo. Another beautiful few hours. The whole thing feels like a dream now. An extremely raunchy dream. Not sure what it was, maybe a mixture of the adrenaline. The latex gloves, the manly hands, the sensitivity of my spine, the position I was in, the pain. You can’t buy that at Ann Summers, believe me I’ve tried! It was and remains a one off erotic experience. Yay memories! Woof!
I saw them twice in 2008 in Brighton and at Download Festival. I’m a fan of the smaller venues, but 36 perform with such passion whatever the audience size. Mick Whitney left 36 in 08. He returned in 2012. I thank Brett “Buzzard” Makowski for his time with the band, but “The Bear” can’t be replaced.
2009 I saw them Twice, would have been three times but the Oxford gig was cancelled. So London and Holland it was. I noticed how reserved the Dutch fans were compared to English fans. Poison The Well were support and pretty amazing it has to be said.
To be continued like all amazing love affairs.
Long day, but I’m right up for this.
Took this photo at the Kerrang signing tent at Download 08. I had an Alaskan flag with me 36 signed it and it’s a treasured possession now.
I think my “thank you” to Brett reads a little bit cold when reading this back, that really wasn’t my intention. I really am thankful for him being there. Who knows what keeps bands going when a vital member needs to take time out. Life can’t be easy when you’re leaving your family to tour and promote. Being constant constantly must take its toll on everyone connected.
I took my niece (14 at the time) to see 36 Crazyfists in 08. She adores them still. When she was twelve we didn’t have much of a connection and her music taste was that of a twelve year old. She seemed obsessed with all things pop and purple. I was updating her iPod and added all of 36s albums. She fell in love too. Now I’m the coolest dude.
She’ll kill me for putting these photos on here. A risk I’m willing to take….obviously.
I want to go back to “I’ll Go Until My Heart Stops” and that video. I’m not sure what (if any) message was intended, but I adore it. Seeing a strong woman fighting back. That’s a powerful idea and I love them for it. Kanye should watch it!
Grrrrrrrrrrrrr!
I’d be lying if I said I don’t think that 36 Crazyfists are gorgeous, because let’s face it they really are, but I’d love them as much if they weren’t. I fell in love with their music first.
Do I have a least favourite album. Yep, “Collisions and Castaways” beautifully written without any doubt, but it didn’t sound like 36. Nobody sounds like they do and C&C sounded like another band.
When I saw them play in Holland the venue was the smallest I’d seen them play. The best view I’d ever had. Intimate gigs are so different to arena gigs. You all share the reason for being there. I speak a little Dutch, but language isn’t a necessity when 36 Crazyfists play.
I still have Brock and Steve’s towels from the gig in Holland. Vacuum packed for freshness! People have asked me “why would you want a towel that’s been used to mop up sweat?” Some people lack imagination! DNA….obviously 😍
I love this photo of Holt. You can almost see the passion pouring from those veins.
Broship!
‘Bitterness the Star’
Is unbelievably sexy and raw. It’s my go to album when I’m feeling neglected. I’d recommend it on prescription over Viagra. One More Word and Slit Wrist Theory are especially life enhancing (for want of better words) Boat floating tracks for me. I’m listening to it now…
Surreal. Writing this is becoming increasingly important. I’d hate to feel that all this went unsaid when it’s all too late.
‘A Snow Capped Romance’
Fucking awesome album. So full of life and passion. “Waterhaul” loud through your headphones….go listen to it now and tell me it doesn’t move you…….See!! Better than drugs. ‘At the End Of August’ is such a tribal track for me. I believe this was written for those close to 36 Crazyfists, we fans stole it and sing every word right back to them. In their honour. It’s beautiful. “a friendship I paint, untouchable’ ❤️ I adore this album heart and soul which is exactly what it’s made of. That and loyalty.
36 Crazyfists – At The End of August
‘Rest Inside The Flames’
Yeah, I know this is where I started and like the two albums above I still have so much more to say.
But for now I’ll leave it right here. Love and Loyalty xx
The City Ignites – 36 Crazyfists
I want to stay in and write all day, but I have to go out. This was gifted to me last night and I just wanted to add it.
❤️
Lovely long day full of lovely things 😍
I’m thinking I might drape myself in the Alaskan flag à la Buffalo Bill “so beautiful, so powerful” Maybe not.
So ‘Rest Inside the Flames” I rarely dedicate songs to people, but ‘Felt Through A Phone Line’ and ‘Midnight Swim’ beautiful songs to share with someone you love. Somewhat of a gift for the giver and receiver.
I keep jumping from moment to moment whilst writing this. Thinking of all the people I’ve met because of 36 Crazyfists’ music.
I’m going to talk about Thomas for a bit. When it was announced that he was leaving I was absolutely heartbroken. I really thought that his departure would be the end of the road for 36.
I’m really not sure what it was about Thomas, but he always seemed so in love with what he was doing. He left because he wanted more time to devote to drawing. I’ve seen his work and it’s beautiful. I really hope he won’t mind me putting this one in.
I do miss seeing his face at 36 Crazyfists gigs, but he’s doing what he loves and I’ve still got years of his input in my heart and memories.
Kyle Baltus took over on drums in 2012. 36 wouldn’t be 36 without a powerful drummer and his presence is definitely felt.
I mentioned that 36 aren’t prolific with producing albums / writing etc, but that doesn’t bother me in the slightest. What time gives you is true reflection. I think it gets easier to knock out album after album, but more doesn’t necessarily mean good. A new 36 Crazyfists album is never a repetition of what came before. Each one is unique and filled with an insight into what’s happening in the lives of these people we love. It’s that we make a connection with. The space between albums is life, you can’t write honestly without spaces between.
That made sense in my head.
No idea who took this photo, but it always makes me smile.
‘The Tide And Its Takers’
Released in 2008 and contains one of my favourite tracks “The Back Harlow Road” You have to listen to this with me…..
It doesn’t matter how hard you try or how sorry you are for your mistakes. If people aren’t willing to forgive you, you cannot make amends. You have to move on, but give it hell before you do ❤️
‘Waiting On A War’
Brock’s vocals at the beginning of this track are so exquisite, so gentle. If I could bottle his voice I’d probably bathe in it…..daily.
The title track ‘The Tide And Its Takers’ makes me cry for so many reasons. One of those reasons is its beauty.
In 2009 ‘Underneath A Northern Sky’ DVD was released. Which includes gig recorded in their hometown of Anchorage. It’s great to see such early footage of the guys. Even the head shaving is cool. They weren’t always bearded beauties, but it’s evident that they were always close.
The isolation of Anchorage shines through in their music. I have to go there one day and kiss that sacred ground.
‘Collisions and Castaways’
I next saw 36 in 2010 no Brighton gig this time around so a short stay in London. I think it was just after my birthday in November. I’d bought ‘Collisions and Castaways’ whilst on holiday in Cornwall. I was well aware that it had been leaked online, but that stuff can really damage a bands lifespan. I fucking despise illegal downloading. If you really can’t afford something then wait.
As I’ve already said ‘Collisions and Castaways’ is my least favourite album. I’m going to be a little controversial here, but I think it lost direction. Lyrically it’s beautiful, but that special 36 Crazyfists sound (that really is theirs alone) was missing. I know fans who adore it and it’s still coming to my grave with me ❤️
I really had no idea that I had so much to say when I started this blog.
Until tomorrow. Loyalty and Love xx
Still looking for these angels in the snow? Found mine years ago ❤️
Grrrrrrrrrr!
Guess what I dreamt about last night…..yep, but that’s a different kind of blog.
I seem to be living and breathing 36 Crazyfists lately. Feels good, feels right.
Now comes the longest wait between albums, but there’s so much to talk about while we wait.
I’ve said that I thought ‘Collisions and Castaways’ lost direction. On reflection what I think it lost was passion.
One of the many things I love about 36 is their style. It’s not hate fuelled metal. Yes there’s aggression, but it stems from passion not hate.
What’s music without passion eh? It’s generic. Lord knows there’s enough of that.
Music like literature is a personal experience to each of us. For instance ‘Slit Wrist Theory’ is another one of my favourites, but the title is important. What I hear is someone asking us not to tar everyone with the same brush. Your theories harm us all. It’s a lyrical masterpiece.
I next saw them live in 2013 once in Manchester with my friend Clare and in London with my niece Katie.
The crowd in Manchester were beautiful. One of the best I’ve shared a 36 Crazyfists gig with. Can’t explain it, but it was special. The London crowd were absolute wankers (not all of them) but there was a section that didn’t give a toss about music. The venue was a nightmare too ‘Underworld’ in Camden. A really cool place to go for a beer, but the setup was dreadful. Concrete pillars all over the place. I hope they don’t play there again. The place is a disaster waiting to happen.
“And we’ll sidestep the masses and live life through the glasses of truth”
My mum had a stroke in July 2014. It wasn’t diagnosed as a stroke until September that year. It was caused by a brain tumour. She was 77 at the time. She called 36 Crazyfists “23 Angryfists’ on several occasions. She was one of the few people who noticed the change in me brought on by this newfound love. During her last few weeks she lost her speech completely one of our last discussions was about the 36 gig in 2015 and their new album. An album that has been such an important part of dealing with the grief of losing this incredible lady.
Time does not heal all wounds. What time does is make us appreciate the immortality of our memories.
36 Crazyfists – 11.24.11
6th February 2015 Brighton Concorde2
I always shout out “I fucking love you!” at 36 gigs. It’s my thing. Say what you feel. Tell those you love how you feel. Okay it may not be the most intimate way to express my emotions, but it will never go unsaid. Ever. I do absolutely adore them.
Have to mention the support band “All Hail The Yeti” My god these guys are awesome. What a set. I’m not sure how my body survived this night. Second favourite 36 gig ever.
You know those nights when you just lose yourself? This was one of those nights. I was completely absorbed in this beautiful experience. 36 performed with that same passion they had on that first night. It felt like coming home after months of traveling. Their love of what they’re doing seeps through. It’s fucking infectious.
You know when you’ve been to a 36 Crazyfists gig. The next morning your neck still feels like you’re doing windmills. Your throat (so tempting) feels like you’ve been swallowing swords. Yet you’re somehow enlightened and full of that thrill they pass on.
Define ‘beauty’ See above ⬆️
Time for a long soak 😜
I mentioned people I’d met because of 36 Crazyfists. Here’s one I didn’t meet. His name’s Jarod. A MySpace friend who made my world a nicer place. Missed opportunities, they stay with you.
‘Time and Trauma’
Released on February 16th in the UK.
Such striking artwork on this album cover. The detail is amazing. I’d love this on my wall. 36 had given us a taster of ‘Time and Trauma’ three new tracks were played in Manchester ‘Swing the Noose’ ‘Also Am I’ and ‘Time and Trauma’
Blog stats…best views ever 😊
When a new 36 Crazyfists album comes along, it’s like that new arrival to a family. Five years in the making. Five years full of speculation. There was no selfishness here, any 36 fan knows what this album is made of.
This album is like being given someone’s feelings, but these feelings aren’t what we’re used to. Yes every one of their albums feels like something personal is being shared. Time and Trauma is precious.
The gift of insight. I’m glad Brock found this strength, because grieving doesn’t stop. Time and Trauma is a beautiful piece of guts and raw emotions.
36 Crazyfists – Also Am I
Buying a new 36 Crazyfists album is a special thing for me. I love going to HMV and seeing it there. I’d pre ordered mine, but had to go and inspect the 36 section. In my head I’m saying “none shall pass”….well not until I’ve at least held the album in my ravenous hands first. It’s a physical adventure.
I rarely download anything. I love having the physical CD and the booklet. The words on 36 Crazyfists album artwork booklets always make me emotional. Their ‘thank you’s’ often read like poetry. It can’t be just me who thinks that. Showing gratitude is quite a humbling experience.
My favourite tracks on Time and Trauma are “Time and Trauma” “Lightless” “Marrow” “Also Am I” It’s often just a sentence that sets some songs apart, but not with this album. When you read these lyrics it’s like being immersed in a moment. You often get the visual. I remember hearing “Song For the Fisherman” for the first time and relating to those words immediately. I bloody adore that song.
“The gathering of boys I rely on,
Know exactly who they are
And I will build their protection with bloody hands”
Song for the fisherman – 36 Crazyfists
See, I keep doing that? I’m on one album and another one comes to mind. If you ask anyone I know “What does Maxyn love?” If their first reply isn’t “She loves 36 Crazyfists” then it’s likely they are an imposter…
I remember meeting Thera in Manchester after the gig and getting their album signed. A few days later I was looking for the venue in Camden and I bumped into Stephanie. She said “I know you. What are you doing here?” I think it dawned on her a few seconds later. Lovely moments.
Steve Holt’s vocals.
So many of 36 Crazyfists songs are extremely powerful. Steve’s vocals add so much. His voice is quite aggressive, but so distinctive. “The Back Harlow Road” for example…beautiful song, but imagine it without Holt’s vocals.
The Heart And the Shape
If there is one clip from a 36 Crazyfists gig that makes me want to be right in the middle of it it’s this one. Beyond sexy. Way way beyond.
Some photos
No idea what face I’m pulling here! Bear hugs 😊
Woof!
Brock, growling at the Dutch.
The fist salute ❤️
Did I mention I’m a 36 Crazyfists fan? Holt red light special 😛
Writing this has been so wonderful. I wish I could have added all the visuals, the butterflies in the stomach and the skipped heartbeats that come as part of the 36 Crazyfists fan package.
They’ve been with me through so much. So many battles, heartache, loss. Love and happiness. The four constant men in my life.
This page is far from finished and I’ve so much more to say, but for now it’s on pause. My love of 36 Crazyfists is infinite. Loyalty and Love. Thank you xxx
36 Crazyfists – Destroy the map
Scribblings of Curiosity 