“What the fuck am I doing” 

Here we go again. 

Dreamt I had a shack in the middle of a forest. 

Absolutely beautiful morning. Full of birdsong. 

I’d like to spend some time with you. Just you and I breathing in the seconds. Where all the walls between us have doorways and the touch of your hand isn’t just a passing thought. 

I’d like to show you all the places that I love. Places where the fog falls and hangs in the trees. Meadows full of pollen captured on the warm summer breeze. Places where our existence isn’t rational. Safety in natures arms. 

I’d like to lay in the long grass with you and contemplate the universe. Beneath the darkest night sky questioning how those stars can be so far away in time. 

To be in awe of our surroundings, but still finding our place within it. Every blade of grass that bends under our weight. Every white horse that reaches our shore. Together. 

These are the gifts we have. Without cost or sacrifice.  

Some moments are for the stillness of night. Some words can only be heard with the fading of the light. 

Is it a place, a person, does it even exist? I think it starts with a view, but everyone sees with different eyes. The eyes only see what the mind is willing to accept. 

Happiness is definitely an ebb an flow thing, equilibrium gets knocked on occasions, but it’s completely natural. 

We assume the idyllic is the goal. I outgrew walls a long time ago, contentment isn’t about property or ownership. It’s not a shopping list. 

Just being is a struggle sometimes, but I think it’s key to happiness. Being who you are. There’s not a place made especially……for anyone.  

What if we stopped trying to be something extraordinary. 

We’re constantly caught up in the drama, a drama of our own making. 

Take every word I’ve ever said to you. Bag them up and drown them with your fears. The words remain spoken, heartfelt, constant and true. 

I anticipate too much. Just like I imagine your touch. How you hands would feel upon my waist and how your fingertips would taste.  

Memories are worlds of their own, they give life meaning they make places home. They stir our thoughts they bring light to the dark. Those feelings remembered they captured the spark. 

Eternal yearning. That’s how it feels. This unrelenting hunger. Born of instinct and craving. I could let it go and burn a hole in the universe.

There’s a “Nine Inch Nails” song I could quote word for word about how I’m feeling, but it would look so absurd. So I’ll put pen to the grade and fill it with lust, to leave it unsaid would be so unjust. 

My last working day of the week.  Looking forward to a lie in tomorrow. Long day ahead though. 

I fancy a nice cold beer…and the pub is very close to work. 

I’m in the pub at 6.30 😱